Pay it Forward Parenting
Spring is coming, and I feel sorry for all those to whom that is not important.
Duško Radović (Serbian children's writer, poet, journalist and aphorist)
Duško Radović (Serbian children's writer, poet, journalist and aphorist)
Disclaimer: This post is about parenting, the way we grew up, the way it impacted us, and the way we hold the key to the future in our hand.
At a recent business event where the subject was growth and mindset, another one of those recurring life situations happened, when the speaker made a remark that entrepreneurs should lean to one another for support, as they are unlikely to get the unquestionable support from the members of the family. They then asked who could identify with this and for as far as I could see, not a single arm was down - except mine.
While it absolutely resonates that those on an entrepreneurial journey can benefit from a community of like-minded individuals, particularly those who are a few (or quite a few) steps ahead, and those who are currently on the same level – it does not resonate with me personally that the families are a source of stress and the ultimate when it comes to not understanding. The above show of hands was followed by another comment of ‘Right, and they probably tell you to get a proper job’. I don’t have to tell you that this was met with the agreement.
I do understand that the picture of parents that my generation has is sadly quite different from my own life experience. Not only are my parents, my brother, and my two young adult children my biggest support – I could not imagine anyone who could support me more. Also, that support comes from the true understanding of my soul. In my family the love and support between each member are unconditional. There is love which is always spoken and evident between us, and then there is also the unspoken, this feeling of belonging and togetherness that we live and breathe through every hug, smile, tear, shared meal, celebration and creation.
Of course, we can’t choose our parents – unless, we believe the premonitions that these connections were intentions, made on the soul level before we came into the physical reality (which is another excellent tool of the accepting-personal-responsibility-always variety, and thus so freeing) – but, let’s say we don’t choose the circumstances, and we don’t have any part in how we were parented, and what programs we were subjected to from an early age in life. Let’s say we have understood how this worked, we have now unlearned those programs and we have successfully made a shift in our mindset. Because that is absolutely necessary to happen for us to realise our full potential, and all the possibilities we can imagine for ourselves.
For Our Children
Again, I have been incredibly lucky and blessed on both ends of this equation. And I believe that is so, because of what my parents (and theirs before them) have set in motion. When I became the parent at 23 for the first time, and then at 25 for the second time – and not living anywhere near my parents – I have realised the responsibility I now had over these two impressionable minds. The looking after their delicate physical bodies was daunting enough, but being responsible for their development into human beings – looking after their minds and souls was ten times scarier. At the same time, I realised how much I owed my parents – the unquestionable and unconditional love, the selfless guidance and generosity of spirit and support in every way you can imagine, communication based on love and respect – throughout my life. I even brought this subject with them, asking them how do I possibly repay for all of that kindness and pure love they always gave me. How do I repay for their appreciation of my unique qualities as a human being and never trying to impose their own likes and dislikes, or preferences. (Sure, they told me their opinion and guidance from their own perspective, but always informed me that I will be the one who is making the choice and that the responsibility of that is always in my own hands. They supported my choices even when I disagreed with them. They supported my choices even when they wanted something else, but they respected that I have to follow my own path, and they lived true to their words.)
‘You don’t have to be thanking us so much and you don’t owe us anything. We love you and we have always done what our love called us to do when we were raising you and your brother’ they said, adding ‘but, you can pay it forward by being the same parent to these two lovely kids. Give them all the love you have inside you.’
And so I did exactly that. I always allowed my children to have their own opinions, wishes and dreams - without letting my own interfere with that. And that was the conscious, considered way. I respect the fact that they are following their own instincts, and I am happy they were both using their own judgment when it came to making the best decisions and choices for themselves. Being the parent is not the easiest job in the world, because of the enormity of the task and also because you sometimes have to let them make their own mistakes – but it’s also something that came naturally. I was guided by both the excellent example and the love connecting us.
For our Legacy
I think parenting not only could, but ought to be the subject in school. I should imagine another few of real life useful subjects should be there, too – but let’s not get into all that in this post.
Like with everything in life, the lessons are right there in front of us. And all the wisdom is inside us. We just need to commit to educating ourselves, and once we bring a generation - or two - on these values, the old programs won’t have a chance of surviving and being passed on to our children unintentionally. What seems astonishing to me is how we have somehow accepted this as how things have to be. I beg to differ. In fact, I am the living proof that they don’t have to be, and they never were intended to be like that.
We have to champion our children’s individuality, our own individuality – and be at peace that they will be perfectly OK to define their own dreams and then go get each and every one, making them as big as they want to – just always being supported by us that they have inside themselves all it takes to succeed at making and defining their own happiness.
Remember – You Are Safe Here
This is the sacred place between our souls. Thank you for sharing your visions, dreams and ideas. Your courage to be vulnerably seen will always be respected, and you will be treated with nothing but kindness and compassion. ♡
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